Lately I’ve been shuddering when a new work email lands in my inbox.
And it’s tough, because I feel so grateful to be “successful” in work, but on the other hand, I’m tired. And I can’t truly even name why. Some days, all I want to do is lie on my couch and watch Love It Or List It, but then I feel guilty for not working. So I sit on my laptop at my kitchen island, browsing websites, blogs and searching Kijiji for random furniture I don’t need to buy just to feel busy.
I used to wake up craving work and wanting nothing more than to churn it out, 24/7. But now I question whether my drive was fuelled by something else. And then I begin to wonder if I’ll ever want to work again.
I usually leave these days feeling silly because I know the answer is ‘yes’… I guess it’s just hard to accept that I need time off. From 2012 until 2014, I worked non-stop. I don’t recall taking more than a few days off, once a season. Giving myself permission to relax and watch TV after 7pm for even two nights a week in a row is hard for me.
Is this what they call burnout? Or am I now just accepting that work-life balance is important?
I’m not sure which answer is the right one, or if maybe it’s really a bit of both, but one thing I do know is that my career path has never been a linear or singularly-focused one. I’ve done everything from illustrating plants to creating cartoonish vector illustrations, to branding companies, to designing Emoticons, to UI design for x-rated Apps, to working in tech, to blogging and writing for various publications, to photography and social media management, to consulting. And maybe wading all of this water is a bit tiring, but if that’s the case, I haven’t learned my lessons at all, because I’m adding more water to my pond with teaching! So maybe I’m self-diagnosing here as stretched-thin, and am slowly realizing the need to take a chill pill for a few days or ease up on a certain avenue of offerings.
In thinking about this over the past few weeks, I’ve been wondering what’s working and why, and what’s not and why. In any case, I’m going to try to be mindful of “checking out” and shutting my brain down for the rest of the month, and while I can’t take whole weeks off, I’m going to try to at least give myself weekends and evenings while still finishing up ongoing obligations I have. If you’re reading this, nodding along, I know it’s hard for me to give myself the go-ahead to take a no-brain day, so I’m giving you permission right now!